Avoiding, weirdly
I catch myself avoiding what most interests me
I have observed an odd trend over the years. It's a trend that makes no sense. It’s in my behavior and involves avoiding things I am extremely interested in. As a hypothetical example: If I were to see a book of science-themed poetry I would likely immediately buy it, but I would also let it languish on my bookshelf for months, if not years. This is barely a hypothetical example as this behavior mostly manifests itself through books.
I can pinpoint some of the underlying emotional triggers — not wanting to experience something that might bring up intense emotions like jealously (but that’s what *I* want to be creating!!), or feeling worried that I’m “too late” in my pursuits (someone already had my idea!!!), or an odd feeling of 'using it up’ (I’ll only get to experience this for the first time once!!!).
I’m in no way claiming this behavior is logical or useful. In fact, I suspect that if I were to re-read “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield, this behavior might fall into a common type of creative block.
But recognizing an unhelpful behavior is the first step to fixing it (right??, right??), so I am thinking about how I can ‘fight back’. Pile up all my books that I sense resistance to and charge through them all? Order them by level of resistance and tackle them that way? Read one per month next year? TBD on the method, but these books will not be languishing much longer!
Currently reading: Running with Sherman by Christopher McDougall
Recent internet search of note: Brick device
Always trying to find ways to break up with my phone.
I relate to this so much! It’s something I’ve talked to my therapist about because it frustrates me to procrastinate/avoid things I love. Apparently it’s a common ADHD thing. So for what it’s worth there are a lot of people in this same camp of weird 🫶